they say your head can be a prison~

When I first decided to use this as a blog title, I think I intended to ramble about how lovely lucid dreams are. Hah. Luckily enough though, I can use it for other related (yet not quite similar) purposes. Primarily, how hard it's been for me to fall asleep quickly.

For the last few nights, my mind ended up so occupied by thoughts about the state of life and theories about the world that it took me quite a while to sleep. It was actually quite frustrating, especially when I realized the problem and had the urge to blog about it, yet I knew if I did that, it'd only take longer for me to sleep, and it was likely one in the morning as it was. Instead I patiently waited until my mind decided to let me sleep.

Every time I board this train of thought, it's always the same questions about love and apologetics and the morality of sex. The answers should be obvious, and they were three years ago before I got closer to asdfghjkl people. I don't regret developing friendships with people and being able to really get to know them; I don't think I was ever this close to anybody a few years ago, so I look at certain moments in my life as turning points for the better. (For example, the moment where I realized to myself that I didn't simply get along with my best friend—that, rather, I absolutely adored her and thought everything about her was beautiful and wanted everyone

I also became open-minded and realized that I could understand the moral viewpoints of essentially everyone, even when those viewpoints conflicted with the ones that I as a Catholic was supposed to be following.

Over time, this brought me here: stuck between two opposite answers to the same question, knowing which one seems more reasonable but unable to determine properly if one is really better than the other.

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to have to assume that these questions even have answers. If they don't . . . I'm screwed, I suppose.

Anyway, there is one point which I'm firm on believing, not because the Catechism says I should or because the rest of the world insists upon it, but because I believe it: Love is perfectly okay, and likewise, so is having affection for everyone.

But then the question gets complicated when I have to define just what love is. Personally, I look at it as the choice to show absolute selflessness for a person. I believe in most cases that this selflessness, ideally, should be accompanied by knowing a person well and having some level of adoration for them. Love isn't necessarily a feeling, but there's certain feelings that it inspires.

Infatuation isn't love, though—as in, being infatuated with some pretty boy at school that you barely know. There you have the adoration, but everything else is incomplete. You don't know him all that well, and you usually can't do anything selfless for him, but to begin with the infatuation was probably accompanied by the purely self-motivated wish to be more than friends with this boy, so it was really all about you and a daydream in the first place. I think infatuation is okay in ways because I'd expect every human being to be infatuated with some(one/thing) at some point, but I find it foolish when all people do is look at their personal butterflies and say "Oooooh, I'm in love~" The answer is no. D:

Lust is not love either. There is a very distinct difference between the two. Lust is based on hormones and your own sexual gratification, and love, well. I haven't even figured out what place sex should have in a relationship based upon true love; all I know is that sex exists for a purpose and that people like to have sex once they're married.

See, just look at how my morals have changed. Whatever happened to "People shouldn't have sex with people they're not married to"?

I'm just questioning everything. But I'm hoping that isn't a bad thing. I feel like I do need to define these things for myself, because if I can't, then I'm sure as hell going to be a pretty half-hearted sponsor of these causes. ._. Nobody needs a heartless member on their team.

But to get back to what I was talking about, eh. I think lust really makes life confusing. People run amuck having sex with each other all over the place, and this part of me is still convinced that marriage is the ideal environment for it, but I don't want to entirely fault people for not knowing/believing that. On top of that though, from the Catholic church's standpoint, you're not supposed to have sex until you're properly marred to somebody, but once you're married, the whole point is to have children—guess what—by having sex.

I don't really like that. Personally I feel that sex shouldn't have anything to do with love at all, but—hormones just really don't make any sense to me. I guess it all just comes down to the natural desire to reproduce because our race would go extinct if we didn't, but at the same time, I don't like that lust plays such a pivotal role everywhere. People end up in relationships purely based upon pleasuring each other and call it love, but I don't like it. I don't approve. ._. It comes down to selflessness again, I think. If you're only having sex because you like the way it feels, then it doesn't matter how you feel towards the other person on top of it—it's just sex, and you're not doing a very good job at "loving" this person.

I don't know how to answer anything though.

And with the Catholic church, I understand that marriage should involve sex because having children brings new souls to God, but what if bad things happen to kids while they're being raised? And wouldn't it be better for that married couple to help bring each other to God and the people around them rather than bring the responsibility of extra souls along the world? I haven't found the logic yet. I don't know I don't know I don't. x.x

World, you should make more sense than this.

I wish I knew how to answer these questions but yee. ._. Until I do answer them, and probably even after that, I'm sure my mind will just continue to occupy itself pondering them and thinking of new points and trying to make rational sense out of stuff that was hardly ever based upon reason in the first place. Cus feelings and lust, even if they can be explained scientifically, eh. Reason hardly has any control over them.

Except if you're L.

There was this beautiful fanfiction I read where he was becoming riddled with emotion, so he squelched the emotions by first acknowledging them, then letting them play out, and lastly letting go of them.
Although he didn't actually succeed in letting go of them.
Poor L.

But anyway, yep, my opinions may make no sense, and there may be obvious answers that I haven't yet figured out how to reach, but I'm sure I'll get there someday. Maybe.

Lol life what are you you're funny.
I'm going to close this with an inspirational picture.

Ohhhhh yesssssss. Look at that hair. Those eyes. That nose. That mouth. That expression. :'D 

I'm going to pretend now that I don't care whether life makes sense so I can just be happy examining this lovely picture.