My dear blog,
I feel like this is some sort of public diary. Goodness. But that's not really the point. If this were a diary, I'd probably just ramble way too much about personal details that shouldn't be on the internet, and then things would end badly. Hm.
But it's only fair to ramble about why this blog exists in the first place, I think. I have this dear friend named Sophie and we were talking about anime conventions and romantic encounters that may occur there, which turned into a conversation about how we'd always wanted to start our own blogs. Then she told me to go make one. So I did. AND HERE I AM. \(^o^)/
I feel like this is going to turn to irrelevancy, though. I don't really want that. Sophie told me to just blog about whatever I want, but I'm not good at doing that—seriously, I suck completely at doing "whatever I want." I'm always wondering how other people will perceive it and if I should make it better. I love doing creative things like this, but the pressures of trying to do a "good job" always hover over my head. It happens when I draw stuff and when I write my stories and every time I make a post in public. XD Every time.
Nyehhhh, but I have to get over this, don't I?
K, well, hello, blog-san. My name's Shadow, I'm sixteen years old, and I can't stand fancy restaurants. I'm also a slacker—a huge one. I constantly mourn myself for being such a slacker, but I never really change. A few years ago, I used to actually get things done, but that was before I started my own website or bought myself all these terrible yet glorious iDevices. Now I have too many constant distractions. IM and Facebook are always waiting for my attention. If it's not them, it's Twig, but there I have a pile of PMs and roleplays that go unanswered while I dally my time away reading the less important threads that I'm never going to post on anyway. And of course school always offers new terrors for me to work on. I have less than three days to make a map of "the Bible lands" and submit it, yet the task is so daunting that IM just pleads with me to let it take some of the stress off. But it's never just stress it takes away; the time always vanishes along with it. Why do the best things have to go by so quickly? Why can't productivity just be an automatic human instinct?
I honestly miss the days when I knew what I had to do and just got it done. But at the same time, I don't think I'd ever want to go back . . . ? I keept telling myself that they were "better times," but really, they weren't. They were just different. Maybe I got all my schoolwork done before 4:30 in the afternoon, and maybe I had just enough time to read and reply to everything important on Twig, and sure it was sort of amazing that I managed to constantly update the five pointless stories I was working on at the time. But I didn't have a computer or an iPod Touch, and I didn't have IM, and I honestly didn't have all the amazing close friends I do now. I didn't even care enough about people to mind how close I was with anyone, anyway. Those were the days when I barely even recognized that everyone was a completely different person. I don't know what I thought of people exactly, but just, one human didn't matter more to me than another. I cared about my friends and family, but it was in an automatic sort of way. I couldn't recognize differences in personality, and people's preferences didn't mean much to me, and it was dismal. It was like seeing everyone's souls in shades of gray or something because I knew who people were, but I couldn't admire them completely because I couldn't even recognize their differences.
But it changed, and I'm glad it did. ^-^ I like it better when I can actually realize that everyone is different in their own glorious way. It just means more this way because now I'd actually give a damn if I had to lose one of the people I care about. It wouldn't be just "I'm sad that Doodlebob died because he was my friend. ;__;" It'd be more like "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT DOODLEBOB. D: How am I ever going to replace him? I can't go on without him" and then eventually I would be happy again, but Doodlebob would stay in my memory forever because of the special person he was. People just have more value because they're all unique, and I like being able to actually realize that.
My best friend's name is Christine, but I call her Komoda. She and I have never met in person since we got to know each other over Twig, but we talked face-to-face for the first time last night on Skype. x3 But it doesn't even matter that we hadn't spoken that way before—the experience was gorgeous, of course. And I couldn't stop smiling afterwards (or while we were Skyping for that matter), and I'd been dreaming about actually seeing her face to face for a long time; I always woke up disappointed when I realized that it hadn't been real, and kept telling myself, "Someday, Shadow. -sigh-" and then it was actually someday and there she was and it was beautiful. Thinking about it makes me feel like a cookie. A very happy cookie.
But not having talked like that before doesn't mean we were any less close. Actually, she's the best friend I've ever had, and that's not going to change. There's been a few other people I was/am really close with along with her, and then I seem to have no lack of friends in general, but Komoda is truly my best friend. I don't know anyone else as amazing as her, and I could go on about her forever. And someday, someday we'll actually meet, too. Someday.
Until we do, though, I'm happy. x3 I can't complain, not at all.
We also just sent each other our first real, tangible presents this month. *u* That's sort of a different matter because it's not like presents are the most important thing in the world (because if I said they were obviously my values would be screwed), but even with that in mind it truly means a ton to me IT JUST. I love it and I love being able to exchange gifts with her. She is the sweetest most incredible thing ever for getting me a present in the first place. Mine is just Inheritance because that's a series we both love, and then I gave her a handwritten ~note~ along with it, but hers. Oh my goodness. I feel I can never compare to it. She went to Japan for a few weeks this summer, and that was where she got nearly everything that was in the box. There's all this Japanese candy and the face of an actor I adore on a keychain and a plush ice cream cone in which you can stick stuff (I used it as a wallet last time I went shopping, hehe x3) and an adorable bear wallet (this one's next~) and Hello Kitty pocky and a Hello Kitty notebook (the Japanese have a thing for Hello Kitty) and this layered light-up stone—I'm not sure of the actual term for it. But it's just like a clear stone with little flecks inside, and it's harder to see in the light, but you're supposed to put it on this lit-up base and then suddenly there's this green dragon floating in there like RAWR I'MMA EAT YOU, ONLY GRACEFULLY~ and I adore it. x3 And she sent me yen and these gorgeous stones and chopsticks, these absolutely beautiful chopsticks. They're brown and they have cherry blossom petals on them and I named them Mello and Matt. :3 They're more beautiful than the other two pairs I have (which are named L and Light and Hikaru and Kaoru) by farrrrr and I adore them. I adore everything she sent me. Even the candy, which sort of is going to make eating it difficult beacuse it'll feel like I'm eating my own children or something every time, but it's okay. Someday Komoda and I are going to go to Japan together, and I'll show up randomly at her house with buckets of candy so this won't be the last time I eat it. It'll just be the first. :3 I mean, I've had pocky and botan rice candy before, but I just got that in America. This stuff is straight from Japan. That's why it's going to taste better. XD
And you know what, I always had difficulty writing thank you notes. It's just sort of awkward for me for whatever reason. I end up having parties or Christmas and even if I only got a few gifts, the list of thank you notes to write just sits there on my desk. And then a few weeks later I think I should maybe finally write them. But I don't. And then it's suddenly months later and I feel so bad for not sending them, but it's so late that I just throw the list in the trash because I don't want to awkwardly send a months-late thank you note. AND IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT GRATEFUL but just . . . I don't know. I don't really have an excuse because it's just something that happens, so when I say I can't stand formality among the people you treasure, it's really just me guessing at why it's something I have trouble doing in the first place. But goodness, this is one of those things that I will always regret putting off.
You know what, though?
When I got Komoda's gift, I went on Twig and sent her a PM. I think I said "thank you" more than five times, and then after she replied, in my following PM I promptly launched into a big description of how much I loved every single little thing she sent me and how amazing she was for actually wanting to get me anything in the first place.
And that just, I find it interesting. Because I didn't even write it for the sake of writing a thank you note. I just wrote it because I was overjoyed and because she's my best friend and damn well deserves to know how much I adore her and everything she sent me. I wanted to. XD
I want to say that I should look at all the gifts I receive like that—a treasure, something that overjoys me not just because I love it but I love the thought behind it, and something that makes me want to write a thank you note. Obviously that would be more ideal than me putting it off forever.
But I don't know, somehow it's . . . different? I don't know. But it's Komoda. It is different even if only because I adore her more than the other people I know.
Heh, though, you know what—this'll be the year. This Christmas. I'm actually going to send all my thank you notes out this year. They deserve that for once. I'm not putting it off this time. I WILL DO THIS.
I will.
Productivity, you could come back whenever you like. Any day now.
