just sweet and epiphany, i am a wing, i'm a prayer

I love those moments where I know I should be nervous, and I anticipate the whole time that my anxiety will send me into bouts of shaking and garbled speech that ultimately lead to the demise of my chances, but then when I find myself in the midst of the moment I realize the emotions forgot to show up, leaving me with a too-good-to-be-true sense of calm and a the notion that maybe I can actually do this quivering within my mind.

But then there's times where they tell me for no good reason that I can't wear those goggles, even around my neck, while they take my license photo. So in the end my plan to have a permanent picture of me dressed as Matt imprinted onto this glossy card of privilege doesn't work because the only identifying feature is the fluffy collar below my chin, which is better than nothing, but a lot more inadequate than it could be.

Sometimes, though, I'm lucky enough to be promised a 'celebration' by my mum. Celebrating with her usually consists of getting fast food. So even though I'm not always hungry, I can at least cash a rain check in later that night and eat my number eight from BurgerKing in happiness, wearing ribbed jeans and a glossy belt and wishing I had a striped shirt, but knowing it needs to be washed and figuring that it doesn't matter since all I really wanted to show my band friends was what I did to my jeans, anyway.

There's also times when I don't even know why I'm talking oddly. Maybe I think it's clever of me, but maybe I also feel that I'm trying to hard and should just stop—it's sort of fun though, so I can just grin to myself and decide it won't matter in the end. Writing never was supposed to be about pleasing everyone, anyway, and I finally get to start realizing that again; everything is more peaceful when I'm not just laying out carefully placed words, meticulously adjusting the angles and arrangements. Sometimes that approach works, but there's times when I just need to get it done, so I try to dump all the words right onto the ground and haphazardly sort through them, some in this pattern and some over here, and—oh hey, maybe this is actually gonna form a clear picture. When I'm finished it'll probably be messy; I'll have to adjust it later, but that's okay because at least now I have a beautiful picture staring up at me, and now that the motivation of actually forming an image is gone, I still have the awareness that with just a little tweaking, this could be perfect. Or perhaps flawed, but in a gorgeous way, one where I'll be able to grin at it when I'm done and be proud to let everyone see it.

UM MAY I JUST SAY, I'M EXTREMELY GRATEFUL TO KAMI-SAMA AND MICHAEL-KUN AND YEAH. Don't give those guys enough credit. Cus you know what, not only was I not nervous throughout the test, but I didn't even have to do half the stuff I'd thought I would—like take another written test, do a three-point turnabout, or back fifty feet in a straight line. I just parked in two diagonal spaces and drove around and parked downhill and that was it, man. The attractive man in the car with me didn't even find it necessary for me to use the emergency brake or whatever it is for parking. o.o; (Which is good, cus ours doesn't work, and I'm not very much used to using it in the first place.)

It also just happened to work out that I woke up early enough, and that we had some bananas left, and that I'd taken a shower the night before so my hair would look lovely.

I'm still not even certain what my beliefs are right now, but I know I believe Kami-sama exists, so I'm attributing all these lucky little things to him. I don't want to forget to be grateful, and I've always said that I don't want to take anything for granted.

So Kami-sama, thank you for letting me pass, and thank you for not letting me crash when I drove to the library by myself, and thank you for letting me get two volumes of Kuroshitsuji, and thank you for Komoda because I love her, and I SORT OF HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE.

I also love this song.

It starts off with this heartrending tone and Patrick's voice, and there's just this overall gorgeous dreary sense to it and oh my. ;-; And then suddenly it picks up, and the hidden tragedy still remains, but then there's more activity and words. Fell out of bed, butterfly bandage, but don't worry; you'll never your remember. Your head is far too blurry. Etc~

I love it I love it I love it. Kami-sama bless Fall Out Boy's souls.

Boycott love. Detox just to retox. And I promise you anything for another shot at life. Imperfect boys with their perfect lives. Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy.

I love Fall Out Boy kthxbai. ^^

This time it's just funny.

I didn't get to take my driver's test today, either, and I found that quite funny; the thought of explaining the situation to my friends made me burst out laughing. XD This is the third failed attempt, but this time it wasn't due to not being able to find my social security card or the ridiculous facility not being open on Monday; this time it was because I have a "medical condition that can cause me to temporarily lose consciousness." Wheeeee. So they gave us a form, which we took to my doctor, and we'll get a call from the doctor when she actually fills it out. My mum's estimating we'll have it back on Thursday.

At least this time we still have some bananas left, though, so I think it'll be okay. I might not need them, though; I'm hoping my nerves will have burned themselves out after three days of anticipating the test. But eh. ^^;

A number of interesting things happened today other than that, anyway, so I'll go ahead and list them all.

1. My baby sister was awake at five-thirty in the morning for some reason.
2. I was awake too. I like waking up early.
3. There's a lot of pretty people at our DMV.
4. Yellow-green is actually a sort of soothing color.
5. I have a lot of things on my to-do list.

• Get Dragon Soul published.
• Finish all my other stories.
• Catch up on reading stuff on Twig. 
• Become fluent in Japanese.
• Develop my own language.
• Gain more creativity.
• Move to Japan.
• Get a job.
• Get a phone.
• And a digital camera.
• Wash the chopsticks sitting lonesomely on my desk.
• Make an actual profile (for more than one website :P). 
• Play (and beat) every Zelda game ever.
• Cut my hair. :D
• Have a fangirl.
• Mail a pair of letters (one accompanied by a box full of awesome stuff) to two of my grandmothers.
• Get married.
• Answer all my PMs and emails.
• Develop a way to type that involves nothing but a USB gamepad.
• Draw more often.
• Finish rereading the Inheritance cycle.
• Give people the benefit of the doubt and don't overanalyze stuff.
• Figure out what to name my Tumblr when I make one tomorrow. HONESTLY, WHAT THE HECK DO I NAME IT.
• etc~

6. My sister, Annabelle, said to me today, "I'm gay Link! I love gay Link! He's so cool!" o_o
7. My other sister, Samantha, found volume 1 of Naruto on my shelf. She's actually reading it, and she actually recognizes Sasuke. <3 I'm proud of her.
8. Eh I don't have anything else to say.

I'm going to try not to worry about all my irrelevant rambling anyway because like I told a dear friend of mine recently, I feel better when I just say what I want to say rather than worrying about it or its wording or anything like that. So, HELLO PUBLISH BUTTON.

Of all the fsking nuisances in the world . . .

>_>

I do not particularly appreciate that my mom's lack of foresight and research has wasted a good portion of my time and efforts and energy. And bananas.

I suppose I could've taken the initiative too, but damn. ._. Why couldn't she have thought of this like twelve hours earlier?

So last night I spent time being nervous about today because I was supposedly going to be taking my license test. I went and took a shower before bed so my hair would look proper the today. Then I carefully arranged my schedule around having a good several hours cut out of my day since I didn't know how long I'd be at the driving facility place. I went to bed early so I'd be well-rested and able to get a lot done, then I woke up and wrote for a while before getting dressed in Matt's ribbed jeans and striped shirt and going to play DDR early. Then I had breakfast afterwards, which I usually don't, but my breakfast basically consisted of bananas because I didn't want to be collapsing with nerves when I went to take my test. Then I got my shoes on and waited for mom to get home from taking my brother to church, at which point she was going to take me to the driving facility.

Then, just, dammit. She told me to go check and see when they were doing tests and it turns out they're not even open on Mondays, and I'm incredibly pissed off because the contents of that whole paragraph above was wasted, and now we have no bananas left, and I'm going to have to go through the exact same thing all fucking over again tonight and tomorrow morning. ._.

I bet there won't even be any more bananas.

Damn this bloody nonsense.

. . . on a positive note, ACen is finally beginning to make guest announcements. The first one up is this visual kei band I've never heard of; I'm tempted to try and see them in concert just for the experience, even though I don't particularly care, which would be lovely to do if I'll have the spare time (and willing company) at the con—but I don't know if I will. I'm not certain whether Aki or Sophie or Rhi will be interested in seeing it, and it's uncertain whether Jenna will be coming, annnnd even if she is I don't know if she'd wanna see a visual kei concert either. But then, if there's other panels I'm thoroughly interested in at that point, or if I need food or something, lolol there's no way I'm gonna go. I'll probably just listen to them from out in the hallway or whatnot. ^^;

The con is going to be lovely, though. c: I'm excited about it, and they've also been releasing the programming schedule which is even more asdfghjkl exciting, and my cosplay is nearly done. I just need to get one or two more packs of fake cigarettes and then a couple PSP games; I won't be purchasing an actual PSP (thanks to my bloody mum), but Adam is lovely and he's letting me borrow his. <3 And then I'll also be borrowing Nicklaus' wallet with the chain on it so the chain can go and dangle off my right hip, seeing as Matt has something like that.And then the only other thing I'll need will be the haircut, but I'm not going to worry about that until a week or two before the con since I'm worried that if I cut it too soon, it'll just grow out and turn out improper. XD

It still feels like all that could be considered "a lot of work," but it's really really not. I've already finished all the hard parts of my cosplay—namely, the vest and the ribbed jeans, which both required a sewing machine—and I've also gone through with all the expensive and time-consuming parts, like finding the right goggles and gloves. After that, I feel ready. It's lovely.

Other things I have to do would be acquire a Nerf sword—specifically, the Marauder—and paint it so it resembles the master sword, and then I have to figure out what I'll need to make the Hyrule shield and then get those materials and assemble 'em. Cus Aki has commissioned me except not really since it's not like I'm a professional or working for pay or anything, but I'm going to call it commissioning all the same since it'll make me feel like I'm getting more adept (even if just by a bit) in making good cosplays. :D

Oh yeah, and then I'll also need money. Lots of it. Cus I'll have to pay for con merch, and if I'm driving us there then parking will also be my responsibility, and possibly gas money as well, and then emergency money would be nice in case we forget lunch, and just . . . yeah, the more the better; I spent a solid $200 at Anime World Chicago, and that was only a small con. I'm anticipating that Anime Central will have a lot more merch. The only thing saving me is that I may already have a lot of what I'd buy (like Death Note playing cards, Ouran messenger bags, wallscrolls, etc), so there might not be much there that I'd really need to bother with. But that's a maybe. You never know what you'll find.

Oh but I do hope there'll be good DN merch.

And I really hope I can get my computer signed by Vic Mignogna (assuming he really is going).

And I'm not sure I really dare to hope for it, but all the same, it would be so lovely if my mom acquired more bananas at some point today.